Book: 100 Deadly Skills

100 Deadly Skills by Clint Emerson

A lot of times these sorts of books are more gimmick than anything else, a The Three Martini Playdate-style kitschy joke for people that want to seem “edgy.” Not this Time. Emerson gets real serious real fast—Tip number 7 is an illustrated guide on how to “Construct a Rectal Concealment” by filling a metal cigar tube with some local currency, a (small) map, a lock shim or skeleton key, and a small piece of dowel and a nail that can turn the whole thing into a pretty effective prison shank, considering it’s stored in your ass.

For all the useful information (How to clone a key using silly putty, a photocopier and a beer can—Tip 65. How to Win a knife fight—Tip 46), there’s some pretty out-there stuff too (Tip 26 is how to steal a single-engine aircraft), but Emerson delivers everything with the kind of strait-laced tone you’d expect from a retired Navy S.E.A.L.

And to truly ensure you understand he’s not fucking around, Emerson also includes a 3.5-page reference and resources section—basically extra reading from wingsuit flying to “The Psychology and Physiology of Deadly Conflict in War and in Peace.” I’m not even shitting (except maybe in my pants).

With a lot (let’s call it almost all) of the stuff in this book, the world is probably a better place if not that many people know these “skills.” But when you need to bury a body (Tip 85), it does make sense to take the time to dig one narrower, really deep hole and bury it straight down, head first (because the organs that give off the most scent are deeper that way) than to just toss it in a shallow trench with that much more discoverable surface area like some kind of amateur. Just sayin’.

Shout-out to my bud Yanik for lending me this one. It’s a sign of true friendship to lend any book out, especially a softcover, especially a softcover that might well make people think you are a closet killer. #fuckyeahman