Broke-n-Lazy Pumpkin Pie


Sometimes you just gotta work with what you can’t afford and don’t have time for. This pumpkin pie recipe is my first recipe, my oldest recipe. It dates back to 1996, a time when I was living on 15 bucks a day in university and couldn’t afford to come home for Thanksgiving.

The plan, concocted by my buddy Jari and i, was to make as many pumpkin pies as we could afford (his daily budget was a bit higher than mine) and deliver them to all girls we wished would pay attention to us that were also orphaned for the holidays. A seamless plan except we didn’t really know how to make pumpkin pie, so i called my mom.

Shotgun Sheila (no one called her that then, or now, but i do) knew we didn’t have the skill or patience to pull this caper off so she cut through the crap right quick. “You guys are going to make ten pies? Ok, buy pre-made crusts from the store, Tenderflake is best. The crust is only there to hold the filling, it’s not like apple pie, it’s not important just make sure you cook it enough or it gets sludgy.”

“Ok, what about the filling, you got a recipe?”

“Sure,” she replied. “But you know who has put more time and money into perfecting their recipe than me? The people who make money off every pumpkin pie ever made. Use the recipe on the inside of the label on the can of pumpkin. Add a bit more of your favourite spice.”

It made sense to Jari and I. (It still does. I’ve used this trick for all kinds of recipes.)

“And son,” mom added. “Use real whipped cream, not the cannister shit. Put the bowl in the fridge first, and add a teaspoon of icing sugar.”

Bingo. Jari and spent all our money on pie shit and made a hell of a mess. We got the pies delivered, i think they were well received (I actually made out with one young lady a couple months later. She didn’t mention the pie in the moment but i like to think it played a role.)

And 26 years, and a bit of tinkering, that broke-ass, lazy-ass pumpkin pie recipe can still deliver. It’s fast, easy, cheap, and pretty fucking good. Enjoy.

Broke-ass, Lazy-ass Pumpkin Pie

(Makes two Pies)


1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon cloves
1/2 teaspoon allspice
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon dried powdered ginger
1/2 teaspoon salt

2 Eggs
1 796 ml (26 oz) can of pumpkin (real pumpkin, not pumpkin pie filling.)
1 354 ml (12 oz) can of evaporated milk (Use the Pacific Cow brand not the stupid sweetened condensed milk from Eagle Brand. that shit is too sweet.)

2 store-bought pie crusts (regular or deep dish who cares? Tenderflake is best.)


— Pre-heat the over to 425° Fahrenheit
— Turn on whatever music you listened to in college or high school. Crank it.
— Mix all the dry ingredients into a bowl. Mix it good, you’re lazy but not that lazy.
— Add the eggs
— Add the can of Pumpkin (double check it is 100% pumpkin and not pie filling.)
— Add the can of evaporated milk.
— Mix it all up good (hopefully you have an old-school metal whisk not those stupid plastic silicone ones they are trying sell you these days.)
— Pour the filling into the crusts

Optional Trick: you can press the tines of a fork into the edges of your store-bough crusts to give them a more homemade look. (Even though they are in an aluminum pie plate this will confuse some people into thinking you made the crust yourself.)

If you have steady hands, you can raw-dog these pies right into the oven without putting them on a baking sheet. The filling will shrink down as the pie cooks.

— Bake at 425° for 15 minutes
— Reduce oven to 350° F and bake pie for 45 minutes

If you are as broke-ass as Jari and I were back in the day you may have a janky oven that doesn’t truly perform and you may need to add 5-10 mins to the baking time. The best way to tell if the pie is ready is dip a butter knife blade into the filling, if lots of stuff sticks to the knife when you pull it out give it a few more minutes.

Serve with whipped cream (Shotgun Sheila says make your own. I say you can add a spash of Jack Daniels to it too.)

That’s it! Hopefully, this pie gets you laid (or whatever the kids are doing these days.)

This post is so broke-ass i only have one photo of the pie and none of the whipped cream! Make your own memories I guess… Happy (Canadian) Thanksgive’r!!!!

Copyright 2020 Feet Banks

Pie Quarterly operates on the unceded territory of the Skwxwú7mesh Úxwumixw
(Squamish peoples, villages, and community) and respects and honours their History, Culture and Rights.

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