words & photos :: Feet Banks.
Header Image :: Screengrab courtesy Universal Pictures
1999 was a weird year (Y2K techno-paranoia, Woodstock ’99 douche-bro riots, Pokémon) but it was pretty decent for movies. And yet, despite the mindfuckery of Being John Malkovich (or Eyes Wide Shut), the Gulf War insight of Three Kings, the simmering anger/angst of Fight Club, the wizardry of The Matrix, the genre-creating simplicity of The Blair Witch Project, the dark satire of Election, or the sad, lonely truth of Office Space, there’s one 1999 cinematic moment that will always be remembered above all others—the time that dude fucked the pie.
FIlmed for just $11 million dollars, coming-of-age comedyAmerican Pie went on to gross over $250 million dollars and spawn 2 theatrical sequels (and 5 straight-to-DVD spin-offs). And that empire was built on the first movie’s geniously singular adherence to the most important trope in the teen movie genre—kids trying to get laid.
And while the set-up-a-webcam-and-watch-Shannon-Elizabeth-get-naked gag hasn’t aged well, the scene where protagonist/virgin Jim fingers, then penetrates, a warm apple pie will likely be included on the next iteration of the Golden Record that we sent out on the Voyager Space crafts to explain humanity to whatever beings are out there lurking on the intergalactic back 40.
Jason Biggs, the actor that played the now-infamous Jim, has since said he’s proud to have become the kind of actor that will do what it takes to make a script come to life. “If I can believe that my character needs to fuck a pie,” he told the Huffington Post in 2016, “then I believe the scene will work and that other people will hopefully believe it … At this point, I have no shame. I have zero shame… I’m really going to fuck a pie.”
And so, this month we shall honour Biggs’ commitment to his craft and the defiling of an iconic American dish, with a so-good-you-might-want-to-give-it-poke apple pie recipe. No Lube needed!
Good Fuckin’ Apple Pie
- 11 cups Fresh apples (sliced, cored, peeled)
I have a tree with Idared Winter Apples on it, these are great because they are tart, not too sweet, and hold a bit of firm crisp even after baked. Lots of winter apples are like this, see if you can find Pink Ladies but if not use a combination of Granny Smith/Golden Delicious.
- 2 tablespoons lemon juice (a little extra never killed anyone)
- ½ cup white sugar
- ¼ cup brown sugar (you can use less sugar if you want, let the apples do the work)
- 4 tablespoons corn starch
- ¼ teaspoon cinnamon
- ¼ teaspoon nutmeg
- 2 dash of salt (about 1/8 of a teaspoon)
- A touch of vanilla (1/4 teaspoon) real vanilla is better if you are rich and can afford that shit. Holy fuck, it’s the saffron of baking isn’t it?
- A dollop (1 teaspoon or so) of butter. Not fucking margarine. Don’t ever eat that shit. You may as well melt a spatula and eat that.
- 2 pie crusts (you can make your own from the recipe on the side of the lard package (or from your grandmother) or just buy Tenderflake crusts. I don’t care either way.
- Mix all the dry shit in your largest bowl
- In another bowl, soak/mix all your apples slices in the lemon juice
- Put the apples in the dry stuff bowl, aim for even coating of dry materials on apples.
- Add vanilla
- Put apples in the crust, stack them higher than the crust.
- Put the dollop of butter and drizzle some of the extra liquid from your big bowl of gooey apples.
- Put on a top crust (solid or woven, up to you)
- Brush crust lightly with egg white/h20 mixture if you want to be fancy.
- Bake 20 mins at 425F
- Reduce heat and bake 20 mins at 375F
- Cover with foil and bake 20 more min at 375F or until crust is brown and beautiful
Makes two pies.
Let cool a bit before serving (more if you’re gonna fuck it). Serve with Vanilla ice cream (get the expensive kind, it’s worth it). Dig in!